I was on top of a cabinet, very tall indeed, and I was smashed against the ceiling trying to feed this grizzly bear that was getting angrier by the minute, until it started attacking me. I couldn't run away because I couldn't simply jump off the cabinet, so off course my dream changed: I was outside of an apartment facing the beach, and my mom was running downstairs to give me something, but she was running towards the bear. I knew that if I called her the bear would hear me, but I HAD to call her, you know, so the bear wouldn't get HER. So I did, I started yelling for her and finally she heard me, at the same time that the bear did. The bear turned around and looked at me straight in the eye and started running FAST (I remember thinking at that moment it looked more like a lion than a bear) and when my mom got to the top of the stairs the bear was right behind her, but I could see that the bear was after me, not after her, so I yelled "get in the other apartment!!" and I got inside the one I was before and when I slammed the door closed, I could feel the weight of the bear against the door and I knew that if I didn't get the locks on fast, the bear would be able to get the door off. I started trying to get the locks but my hands were shaking and that's when I woke up, still feeling scared, but able to see how dumb my dream had been after all. I will get back to this point in a moment.
Ever since I was a little girl, I have nightmares almost every night. Sometimes those nightmares are blood-chilling nightmares that keep me scared the rest of the night and I'm scared to go back to sleep (it happens often that once I go back to sleep the nightmare either repeats itself or continues where I left), or sometimes when I wake up I realize I'm awake and I can calm down. But they are there, the nightmares almost every night since I have memory. To this problem I have a few questions, the first is, why? I don't mean "oh, why me? Sob, sob, why do I have to have these nightmares? Sob, sob" No, what I mean is, Why do people actually HAVE nightmares at all? I mean it’s our own FREAKING brain putting those nightmares there!! And the worst part of all is that "We don't know we are dreaming until we wake up". When I think of MYSELF as a person, as a whole, you know, I like to include my brain as part of that, but it looks like our brains are their own team.
When I woke up from the bear nightmare I was so scared I was breathing fast and was almost crying. My brain thought that a bear was really chasing me, but it was my brain in the first place who put that stupid bear there. !!! It's like standing in front of a mirror and yelling "BOO!" and actually getting scared because of that. But is more than just that. It's like standing in front of a mirror, yelling "BOO!" getting scared and then asking "what the heck was that?!" and only when you come out of the room do you realize it was just you scaring yourself. It doesn't make sense that we have the capacity to create a story in our minds, sometimes in ridiculous circumstances that should, by all means let you know that what's going on is not real, and getting so scared because we actually DON'T KNOW that it was not real despite the fact that we are the ones creating the story. The way it should work is, our brain creates the story, and either we watch it or we are part of it, but KNOWING that it's a dream, and even having control over what happens. Our brains should play for our team and give us a Caribbean vacation after a long day or an exciting adventure after a dull one, but NOT an incredibly scary story where we are always at the losing end. Whether we are being chased by a zombie or we are just trying to run to or from something and we can't move fast enough, whether we are seeing a loved one die or we are just in school where we forgot either our clothes or our homework, our brain should NOT do that to us because our brain is a part of us. It should work FOR us and not AGAINST us. There shouldn't be a part of us that was capable of working against us at all. Period.
W21 of Y4
1 week ago